“I wanted to be a mother”

“And now I am“, says Giulia, holding in her arms the little Ambra, three months and a great ease in front of the webcam: while I chat with her mom she watches at us firstly intrigued, then puzzled, and finally chooses to fall asleep.
Giulia, a lawyer based in Rome, has always wanted to become a mother, to have a family: “Unfortunately, my last love affairs ended badly, and when you get close to 40 you have two choices if you want to have a child: still waiting for the right man with which build a family and the risk of being out of time, or decide to become a mother alone ”
These are words that Giulia pronounce with the normalcy of those who have thought and solved them time ago, but which have the power to divide whole societies on a very delicate issue.
Because Giulia is not only a single mother, but a woman who took a plane to go abroad, and when she returned to Italy a few days later, she was pregnant.

“I am a determined person: when I say I want to do something I bring it to completion, and so it was for motherhood. I knew I had the option of going to a sperm bank and I did it: I always saw as a child as the life completion, its deeper and true meaning. I wanted someone to give love to, whom to transfer teachings and experiences: a child is the life that is handed down and is renewed.”
Single women who address themselves t to sperm banks and IVF are growing, and often have some characteristics in common: age between 37 and 42, failed love affairs behind them, a settled professional life and the strength of a pure desire of motherhood.
Pure because unavailable to mature into a wrong sentimental relationship, pure because not based on social and family pressures or expectations.
“When I decided to go to Spain for IVF – Giulia tells me – I said nothing to my parents: I had promised to tell them only if fertilization was successful. My three brothers were all in agreement with the pace I was going to do, but I left alone: and when arrived in Barcelona I felt strong and secure. I was doing the right thing.”
I ask her about the procedures, if you are given the opportunity to choose the father: “Not at all: this is something that will be immediately told to you clearly during the first interview. The choice is made by the team in charge, which selects the donor according to the characteristics of the mother, so that the son looks most like her.”
Similarity means recognition and belonging, two feelings that count a lot in defining identity.
“When they seeded my explanted egg cells – Giulia continues – there have been three fertilizations, two embryos were implanted in me, one has been frozen. Normally only one of the two embryos implanted survives, and that was my case.”

There are also cases where both survive and pregnancy becomes a twin one.
“Once I had confirmation of the pregnancy I summoned up all the family and my mother, seeing all her children and grandchildren around, realized that there was great news to come. Then, when my sister brought two baby booties to give her a hint, she turned quickly toward me and said ‘That’s what you’re going to do in Spain’. She quickly realized that it was me, she did not have the slightest hesitation.”
Ambra now is three months, bears a striking resemblance to her mother, and is a wonderful little girl growing up surrounded by the whole family and many friends: “My parents help me a lot in the daily management. Economically, a child is a major commitment, but sacrifices do not frighten me. I have a good job, and I have always lived alone. I grew up learning how to handle and manage my resources and tighten my belts when needed: this does not scare me.”
But surely there is another side of this choice that will not be easy to manage: the social judgments.
“I have already had to answer to a lot of criticism – Giulia tells me – I was especially accused of selfishness, I am asked who do I think to be to give birth to a child depriving him of the father figure. I obviously hope with all my heart that this father will arrive, but I will not be content, as many do, of a man at all cost to give Ambra a reference male figure. In the event that a good partner who keeps up with the situation does not arrive, there will be her grandfather and her uncles, and I will try to give her all the love I know.”

In the minefield of love, especially when it borders on life ethics and other human being are concerned, we should all take a great act of courage and honesty, even when it might be uncomfortable.
Sometimes the others bring discomfort where there is none, exacerbating a difference through the cruel games of exclusion rather than inclusion. The real problem is often created by those around us, those who viscerally want to create a problem even if there is not really one.
Do not know (or do not want) to make a distinction between the natural, the social and the culturally induced needs of a child, often hides a murderous bad faith.
If only we knew to be lenient, if only we knew to be happy.
Watching Giulia and Ambra beyond the web-cam, I see a beautiful maternity and, yes, absolutely an happy accomplishment.